Good Gloomy Morning North America! (I couldn’t just type Baltimore, Pennsylvania, Manitoba, Toronto-because frankly-there are just too many of you now!)

Last night was a success. Kevin got about 7 hours of sleep, and it was pretty good. Also-he remained even more stable through the night, and his heart-rate is down to about 100! That’s dropped 40 in about 48 hours which is awesome.

This morning, our pulmonary Dr (Dr. Reed) stopped in and said while they don’t like that there is an extra “hole”, it’s not an area where they can do anything about it, and being that Kevin doesn’t really have any symptoms from it, we’re not going to worry! Yea! He admitted that at this point, there’s no use poking and prodding if the patient is doing fine (and he is).

There’s no big medical plan today, but there is a big move in store! We’re heading back to our “home” 5D, and praying we get the right side of the building so we get the better view. We’re sick of looking at a brick wall. I wish my camera battery wasn’t dead so you could see our view every morning. The most exciting thing outside this window is the gentleman sitting in a room across from us drinking his coffee. A peeping Tom would have a nice time here. Haha.

Last night I discovered the Whole Foods store in downtown Baltimore, where I found Kevin some more, wonderful juices. We’ve so far tried the Orange Mango and the Black Cherry (which failed miserably), but we have two more left to try, and tons back at the store to sample. I think I will be visiting Whole Foods a LOT in the coming weeks and months. I was really impressed with their food choices, especially for me. It’s time to ignore the fast food options here and get on a healthy diet. I figure if I’m walking 5 miles a day around this place, if I eat good, I should lose my 100 lbs. in the time we’re here! Why not?

We’re waiting on rounds, so if anything exciting happens with that, I’ll let you know. Kevin is back to his “old self” today, which makes me very happy. Sedated Kevin is not nearly as fun (except when he says funny things half asleep-THAT’S hilarious).

Today is my first day without my ankle brace! For those who don’t know-I fell of a curb at the chicken BBQ. It’s still a bit swollen and making funny noises, but it’s stable. The word of the day is stability.

Gloomy, rainy and about 70 today here in Baltimore. A bit depressing, but this area needs the rain. It is definitely the end of the East Coast summer. With the tease of Fall, and next week, back into the 90’s with full humidity, we definitely know where we’re at!

The move back to 5D will be so encouraging for both of us. It means rebounding and progress. While it’s still possible we’ll have some major ups and downs, especially now that we know what’s going on, there’s no guarantee we’ll stay there, but we hope so. At least now we know what’s going on in Kevin’s body. Plus-the good way to look at it, is that the chemo is doing it’s job. So not only has our prayer been answered that it has stopped it from growing (or so we assume from the bleeding-no official scan yet), but it looks like it’s actually breaking it down. HOw awesome.

Maybe a few weeks from now, I can be typing this from Kevin’s rehab room-that would be so nice. We would love to get out of B-More before November and take a weekend to go to the beach and just sit and fish. Right now-that’s one of the biggest things keeping us going and looking forward to. It’s amazing the simplest of pleasures that you miss.

So, for now, I’ll log off since I’m just rambling and I’ll leave you to your thoughts and prayers. Embrace the ones around you, hold and squeeze them tight for us. We love you all and send you big hugs from B-More.

I name this post after the beauty of the city night lights of Baltimore. Our view here at 5C is not as good as it was in 5D, but we’ll take it! Because ya know what? We may not be here much longer!

Dr. Kendra came and spoke with us tonight (did I mention how much we LOVE her-now I know why-she’s a Montana girl!!) and told us that for now, everything is just a wait and see. They did confirm that they believe there is a small hole in one of the fistulas leading into the lung. They believe it may be leaking into the area around the heart. It doesn’t appear to be anything large, or super-concerning, but they’ll just continue to make sure he’s coughing well, and that he’s breathing normally. Kevin is having some difficulty breathing tonight, but that is mostly due to the procedure done today.

As for the clot in the stomach, general and thoracic surgery both agreed that as long as Kevin’s stable, they don’t want to touch it. It is draining right now through a tube out of his stomach, and some is coming out with his regular GI track movements which is a good thing. In a few days, they may consider giving him food through his JG feeding tube, for now they want to make sure things clear out a bit to make room. Until then, he’ll be fine getting his lipids and electrolytes through the IV, as the tube feeding would be higher risk at this time.

Kevin has made HUGE headway from where he was 36 hours ago. HUGE. First off, HIS CATHETER IS OUT. You have no idea how much he dreaded having that, but it was absolutely necessary so they could track his output and make sure it was clear.

The other big, upcoming triumph is that Kevin may be getting his “egg” removed!! This is one of the last drains and it’s not giving much output, which is a very good thing. So, hopefully, that’ll come out tomorrow.

We’re still concerned about the first two mentioned items, but the fact that as long as Kevin stays stable, THEY’RE not too concerned, makes us happy. The heart drops that happened today, are also not of any major concern, and they haven’t happened since, so YEA!

The ultimate goal, is, maybe even within a day or two, to get him back to his solid tumor floor on 5D, where he was before. We’re anxious for this as well. Don’t get me wrong, we LOVE the staff at 5C, but 5D is our happy home-that means progress for us.

Of course, I had one more thing to add, but can I think of it now? No! Darned memory loss 🙂
Or should I say, a senior moment?

Kevin and I had some great talks today-some hard talks too. We both feel like, yes, we get to spend all this time together, but we still feel lonely, because we can’t be together in the ways we want to be. Just not being able to cuddle makes it extremely difficult on each other. It’s amazing how much I come to crave just hugs from complete strangers because that comfort is so uplifting. Kevin feels the same way. We’ll be happy for the day when we can just sit on the couch, and hold each other. That will be one great day.

I had struggled earlier with whether or not to find a job down here, and I’ve come to the conclusion, that with our situation, it just would not work right now. Not only could I not give any commitment to length of employment, I know I would have to call in every other day due to rising incidents here. So, I’m going to focus on the business I’ve had by my side for almost 4 years: Mary Kay. The company philosophy of God first, Family second, Career third, has truly proven a wonderful philosophy for times like this. So-If you need any Mary Kay, or would want to do a book/web party, please let me know!

Praise God for his wonderful blessings today. We still have many, many uncertainties, but who doesn’t? God has provided for us in amazing ways. Oh-Now I remember what I was going to tell you earlier!

Dr. Kendra said that today, about 5 different people stopped her dead in the hall to get the update on Kevin. She said in the time she’s been here, she’s never seen anyone have such an effect on the staff, as He has. I truly believe Kevin has a purpose, and one of His purposes right now is to be here to touch these people’s lives. We need them for their care and support, but they need him for his Faith and optimism. We need each other for love and strength, We need God for our care and support, and he needs us to guide others to him.

We ask a special prayer of blessing upon the staff who have provided so amazingly for us, especially in the past 36 hours. My experiences alone with them, in the quiet time while waiting was tough, but they comforted me when I needed it most. Thank you. You are amazing.

Tonight, continue to pray for strength and continued healing. Pray for a certain plan ahead, and the ability to walk through it. Pray for diminished anxiety and tension, and for a good night’s rest. And most off, Pray a prayer of thanks for God continuing his plan in Us.

Quiet, gloomy afternoon back in 5C, where Kevin was moved for critical care yesterday. We got a visit from the pulmonary Dr. who said there appears to be a fistula in his lung-basically, something that shouldn’t be there. He’s not absolutely positive, but they’re going to study the pictures some more, as well as the CT scan, and see what they come up with.

Since this morning, things have been pretty quiet. In the past 30 minutes, Kev has had 3 “bleeps” on his heart monitor indicating, a very quick drop in heartbeat-from about 100-60. Not sure what’s happening there-he’s had this before going the opposite direction (quick from 70-120), so this could all be normal. Nonetheless, with all that’s happened, the nurse just ran and EKG and paged Dr. Kendra.

Kevin’s agitation, and frankly, anger at the new situation has risen extremely. I cannot blame him. He’s feeling very resentful from having gone to almost “free” back to monitors, and the catheter. We took some time this afternoon to pray to God for strength, calmness, and yes, even the dreaded patience in this. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn’t pray for patience, but I know God will guide us through all of this. We are both frustrated and uncertain, but praying for inner peace at this new situation. I pray they begin to wean him more and more off the pain medication, as it makes him delirious, paranoid and quickens him to anger. It’s hard to see him not himself, but I know who he is inside, when he’s unaffected by all this extra stuff.

Many of you have commented on our Faith, and how evident it is through this. I’d like to do a bit of explaining for those who don’t know much about our Faith background. For myself, I grew up in a small, conservative church in rural Pennsylvania. My values were shaped by the people around me, and I’ve always been deeply involved in church activities. When I left high school, I did as most of us do in our late teens/early 20’s and just explored. For the past few years, my Faith has struggled, but I have always remained a believer of Christ as my Lord’s son, and my savior. As hard as it is to admit, sometimes these things happen just for us to come back to God, and I have a strong feeling, for both of us, it’s possibly the answer to that.

Kevin was raised as a believer as a child, and growing up always struggled with trying to find the right fit. He believed in God, Jesus as his Savior. However, Kevin was never one for “religion”. He had seen religious nuts, and never really could relate to any particular denomination. About 4 years ago, Kevin prayed for me, and a year later, we began talking online. Since that time, I think it truly made him realize there is someone much higher than us. His father, Al, passed away just two weeks after Kevin and I began chatting online, and on the phone. I didn’t know what that would do to his Faith, but he held on, and thanked God that he was able to spend one great last day with his father before his passing.

Kevin and I, since we’ve been married have attended Lancaster County Bible Church roughly 1-2 times a month. I think we’ve both struggled a lot in the past few years with the ups and downs that were handed to us, especially through immigration. Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Since this new journey has begun, our Faith is as strong as it ever could be. Some people blame God for these trials, but to us, we lift God up and give Him praise for helping us through this difficult time. The Devil is doing a lot of things right now, but we’re proud to say that destroying our Faith is not one of them! For us, we hope that our Faith can be a light to those around us who don’t know God, or are not experiencing his everlasting Love.

I’ve never been “preachy”, but if you’d like to know more about Faith, about the type of Love that we feel from God right now, please send me a comment or email and I’d be happy to talk to you more about it.

We feel so blessed. We truly do. God is granting us life, and even though it’s a hard one right now, we know that God brought us together for a purpose. Below is the lyrics to “Love Heals Your Heart” by a band I love, Third Day. This song was played during a special time in our wedding ceremony and fit the bill to our then 2 year relationship and all we had already been through.

“Love Heals Your Heart”

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you’re able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it’s hard to understand
How we’re trapped inside

Good Afternoon! This morning BLEW past thankfully. Kevin didn’t get sleep, again, which was frustrating. However, the good thing is, he remained stable through the night! This morning he got a bronchoscopy (which is why I call him a Blue Man-his teeth are blue from the dye) to see if there are any leaks down his windpipe. They did find one irritated area that they aren’t sure is just an unusual port to the Lung, or something that shouldn’t be there. They added dye to the area, and took a CT scan, but there is still no official word.

Kevin’s red blood cell counts are good today, which is SO wonderful, and a huge improvement. He hasn’t needed blood now in almost 24 hours! The general surgeon and our great Dr. Kendra were in afternoon after the bronchoscopy and said that as long as things remain stable, they’d prefer to not do surgery and just see what happens. They will remain on call in case anything happens on an emergency basis, but in the meantime, they prefer to just keep things quiet, which we like.

They’re holding off on the red cell scan for now, so Kevin can just rest and relax, and because things are looking better. He’s also had no fever recently which is great. Honestly, the Dr.’s just don’t quite know what’s causing the bleeding into the belly yet, but today they’ll all put their brains together and hope to figure out a plan from here. But for now, we just wait!

Thank you all for your prayers and support. We’re pushing on, and waiting and resting, which is just good for both of us right now. We’re sick of surprises.

God is good.

Dear Friends & Family…I know you have all been stalking the site to see what is coming, so here it is:

It took about 2.5 hours for the dye test. While in there, they found no direct pour of blood inside. However, they did find that his stomach is completely filled with clotted blood. They are still unsure the reason, but there are two arteries that go into the stomach. They cotorized (sp?) the one artery to minimize blood flow to the area.

The main suspicion is that (and this is where we’re “cautiously hopeful”) the chemo did it’s job and is essentially causing the tumor to melt, which leads to bleeding. If this is the case-YEA! However, there are still many many uncertainties, and I do not want to downplay the seriousness of the current condition.

Due to the artery cotorization, Kevin has to lay flat on his back completely still for 6 hours. He’ll be FINALLY done with this at 7pm. In the meantime, we have him pretty well sedated with his anxiety medication to make him more comfortable. He also cannot drink until this 6 hours is done. So, he’s pretty darned miserable right now.

Our fears were alleviated slightly hearing this could all be due to the tumor disintigrating, however, we still have reservations about the outcome. Kevin is stable-his blood pressure is holding, and they are giving him fluids to hopefully bring his heart-rate down. Kevin did lose a lot of blood, and subsequently, needed several transfusions. We ask you to please go donate blood to “fill the bank”.

We met with the pulmonary doctors, who plan to do a bronchoscopy tomorrow to see what may be causing Kevin’s severe coughing espisodes. They fear there may be a perforation in the windpipe, or something like that, that developed from the tumor. Pray that Kevin stays stable through the night so they can do that procedure tomorrow. It only takes about 15 minutes, and they will sedate him for the procedure.

Both the cardio-thoracic and general surgeons are “holding steady” to see how Kevin does through the night before they consider any OR options. We really have no idea what they’ll do, or what the plan is, but they need to see how he does tonight. It may be possible there is an oozing blood leak somewhere that didn’t show up on the dye scan.

So we’re just waiting and praying. Please leave some positive, inspirational comments tonight for me to read to Kevin when he wakes up. We love you all and continue to ask for God to lift him up. If you haven’t already…read the verses that accompanied today’s devotional:

Isaiah 43
Israel’s Only Savior
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”

…the breakdown has come.  All my strength and my positive are fading, and I’m just a big bawlbaby right now.  My family will soon be here, and in the meantime I’m typing on here, chatting with friends online, and crying on the shoulders of our great nursing staff.  Despite all, Kevin’s strong will, and God’s perfect will, will be done.  I take comfort in knowing we are in God’s hands, and that we are with Him no matter what happens.  While praying just now I felt called to log onto the online devotional I used to use, and I found this..

Sheltered in the Storm

Read Isaiah 43:1-7

From the end of the earth I call to you, when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

SUMMER storms can come up quickly on the water. I learned this on a nearly perfect day when I was about 10 years old. The water was calm as my dad maneuvered our boat around the river while my brothers and I fished. Then without warning the wind shifted and the sky grew dark. Lightning came down in great streaks, as if looking for little kids in a metal boat.

“Everyone lie down!” my dad yelled above the sound of the wind. We lay on the floorboards and closed our eyes while Dad guided the boat. We hadn’t gone far when he called to us again and pointed to a rock cliff. He pulled up to the shore and helped us climb to a small cave in the side of that rock where we huddled in safety until the storm passed.

When life suddenly changes or danger lies in my path, I think of that day and the psalmist’s words in Psalm 46: “God is my refuge and strength, a present help in trouble” (verse 1). I still have to face what frightens me, but _I am not alone. God is that “rock that is higher than I,” a safe place to go when the storms of life are raging. We can trust in God, no matter what happens.

Judith Fulp-Eickstaedt (Virginia, U.S.A.)

Shelter us, O God, and guide us to places of safety when we are in danger. Calm the storms in our lives and in our souls and keep us close to you always. Amen

None of us know what lies ahead…especially not now.  Will they pinpoint the internal bleeding?  Will he be eligable for surgery?  Will he make it through surgery?  Can he recooperate?  What is going through Kevin’s ehad through all this?  None of us know…

But do know that God is in control during this storm.  I’m bracing the boat right now, riding out the storm, and praying for a rainbow at the BEGINNING… 🙂

Kevin is currently getting a dye test through his veins to see where he’s bleeding from.  It’s a very scary time as Kevin is losing and impressive amount of blood internally.  I’m scared, anxious and just unsure.  I don’t know why this is happening, and neither does anyone else.  Unfortunately, the worse part, is even when they do find the source, they need to determine if Kevin is healthy enough to get through the surgery for them to even attempt it.  My heart is drowning.

I called all the family and most are making their way down.  We’re on hold with Linda and Ken just waiting in case, in hope, that it will all work out.  Please lift Kevin up.  I pray that Lord has brought him this far to see him succeed, not just to let us say goodbye.  I’m praying for him to be healed, to get through this, and that it’s just another bump in the road.

Lift Kevin up during this time and prayer for my anxiety and calm, and that everyone has safe travels here right now.  Love you all.

Kevin’s heart-rate still continues to be high (around 120) and there are signs he has internal bleeding.  He is being given blood continuously, and his blood cell counts were off and he has a fever indicating something is “going on”.  The cardio-thoracic surgeons are discussions right now to determine what needs to be done.  There are two options for where the bleeding could be happening: the chest area from the original surgery, or the abdomen surrounding the feeding tube area.  We’re just waiting right now for the final word, and as soon as we know something, you’ll know something.

Please lift Kevin and I in your prayers right now for calm with his blood count, fever and heart rate and for the internal bleeding to cease.  We pray for healing.  Thank you.

Kevin’s heart-rate has been elevated for a while now, hovering around 140.  Not sure what’s causing it, but he’s having no side effects, and his blood pressure is good.  The had to put him back on the heart monitor, which was disappointing to both of us, but it’s something that’s needed for this.

Please pray that his heart-rate returns to normal and Kevin can get an amazing sleep tonight.  We’re praying for a relaxing rest of the night and a WONDERFUL day tomorrow, and hopefully, PT can get Kevin and up walking tomorrow!!!

Thinking of you all and sending a big hug from both of us.  Leave some love!