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I Am Oct 18

I am…exhausted, frightened, worried, hopeful, faithful, tearful, joyful, sorrowful, emotional, anxious, burdened, and just plain afraid.  I keep reading the devotionals that say to not fear, to be joyful in our sorrow, to put our anxieties and worries onto the Lord.  I am, but I still feel all these emotions.  It’s just plain hard.

This morning Kevin continued to be stable, when they moved him before I got there, his heart went into the worrisome rhythm, with thankfully no heart-rate increase.  They moved his body two more times today, and both times his rhythm stayed stable, and his blood pressure and heart-rate looked good.

He is officially off the blood pressure meds, but is now on a med for his heart-rate to keep is down.  They hope to take it off by tomorrow.  There are obviously no talks right now of getting him off the ventilator because of how critical he is.  They were also unable to start a drip feed today because of his condition.

Kevin’s belly is very distended today, even while they are draining the G-tube.  They took an ultra-sound to see if the surgery that was done, is now leaking causing the excess fluid in his abdomen.  It’s also possible he just needs to have a bowel movement to get rid of this distention.  Due to his critical state, he is unable to be taken down for a CAT scan, and that would be the best test to do.

We are still waiting on both the ultrasound and blood culture tests to come back to confirm/deny MRSA as well as to see what’s going on with his abdomen.  If there is a leak in his abdomen, and he stays stable until Monday, we will discuss him being transferred to Hopkins to possibly have surgery to fix the problem.  However, he needs to show some type of increase in his condition by Monday in order for them to feel comfortable sending him even outside of his room.

He is in a very critical state, and just the overwhelming thoughts were a lot for me this morning.  I’m not doing well processing any of this, so right now, I just AM a bunch of things.  Linda and I left around 4:15 because I just needed a break tonight from it.  Kevin is stable and able to sleep fairly peacefully right now, so unless he’s very anxious, or something major happens, I’ll be home all tonight.

Pray that he not only stays stable, but that he improves so that we can have a positive outlook ahead.  This will mean his heart-rate needs to stay lower on it’s own, as well as the rhythm staying stable.  His blood pressure will need to hold, and the chest xrays will need to look better from the insertion of the chest tube drainage.  Quite a bit needs to happen to be considered positive, so please pray for this.

I tried to talk to Kevin while he was awake about post-life decisions, but it was just too difficult for him.  I felt so bad afterwards, seeing how it upset him.  Unfortunately, we never truly discussed what he would want for post-life, and I hope that if it comes down to that, I can make the right decision.

I am praying and continually hoping for a miracle for him.  He has been my miracle man, and I feel he is still so strong of heart, that he can survive this.  The future looks bleak, but we trust in God to lead him through this.  We know God is capable of the unfathomable, so we pray for the unfathomable miracle.

Please pray that my anxieties will release and I can focus on the present moments with him, and know that the Lord is taking care of the past, present and future for us.

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2 Responses

  1. 1
    Mrs. J 

    I am praying for that miracle, Brenda. I’m right here checking on your blog every chance I get.

  2. 2
    kait young landis 

    You and kevin are in our prayers and thoughts. God will see you through.

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